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if truly his ♥ was made of icing...

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if or when i get married [Dec. 31st, 2008|12:59 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
this will be the song i dance with my guy
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The iPod shuffle survey [Oct. 29th, 2008|02:24 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
How does the world​ see me?
Betty​ Davis​ Eyes // Kim Carne​s

Will I have a happy​ life?​​​
Every​body Have Fun Tonig​ht​ // Wang Chung​

What do peopl​e reall​y think​ of me?
Silen​ce // Sarah​ McLau​ghlin​

Do peopl​e secre​tly lust after​ me?
Tomor​row // Avril​ Lavig​ne

How can I make mysel​f happy​?​​​
Velve​t Revol​ution​ // Tori Amos

What shoul​d I do with my life?​​​
HIt 'em Up Style​ // Blue Cantr​ell

Will I ever have child​ren?​​​
Danie​l // Elton​ John

What is some good advic​e for me?
Never​ Going​ Back Again​ // Fleet​wood Mac

What do I think​ my curre​nt theme​ song is?
Take On Me // Ah Ha

What does every​one else think​ my curre​nt theme​ song is?
I'm a Survi​vor // Reba McEnt​ire

What type of men/​​​women​ do I like?​​​
New​ // No Doubt​

What is my day (​​​tomor​row)​​​ going​ to be like?​​​
Amber​ Waves​ // Tori Amos

Why am I here?​​​
Brown​ Eyes // Lady GaGa

What will peopl​e remem​ber me for?
Almos​t Golde​n // Court​ney Love

What song will I get stuck​ in my head tomor​row?​​​
Glori​a // Laura​ Brann​igan

What will this year be all about​?​​​
Viole​t​ // Hole
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The Soundtrack to My Life!!! [Oct. 23rd, 2008|06:23 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
Opening Credits / Tori Amos: Blue Skies (Remix)

Waking-up Scene / Interpol: Next Exit

Average-day scene / Cure: Six Different Ways

Best-friend scene / Lady GaGa: Summerboy

First-date scene / Hole: Malibu

Falling-in-love scene / Bjork: All is Full of Love (Remix)

Love scene / The Devlins: World Outside

Fight-with-friend scene / Radiohead: High and Dry

Break-up scene / Tori Amos: Northern Lad

Get-back-together scene / The Stills: Still in Love

"Life's okay" scene / The Five Stairsteps: Ooh Child

Heartbreak scene / Coldplay: Warning Sign

Mental-breakdown scene / Hole: Violet

Driving scene / The Cars: Drive

Lesson-learning scene / Tori Amos: Josephine

Deep-thought scene / Shakira: Dia De Enero

Flashback scene / Oasis: Stand by me

Party scene / Smashing Pumpkins: Pug

Happy dance scene / Lady GaGa: Just Dance

Regret scene / Lady GaGa: Brown Eyes

Long-night-alone scene / The Music: Turn Off The Lights

Death scene / Tori Amos: Gold dust

Closing credits / Muse: Hysteria
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2008|03:13 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
yes i fucking resent him! i don't know how else i should feel. he will always be the star, won't he? the happy endings with his happy homecoming. i guess maybe i hate him for that.
he gets the approval and love without even trying, something I've been searching for for some time now. and even now, 2000 miles away i can still feel his superiority flooding my modest little shoe box life.
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(no subject) [Sep. 1st, 2008|01:45 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
well i live in chicago now. classes start tomorrow. weird.
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sacreligious [Jul. 21st, 2008|01:31 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
okay, so i am going to say the "unthinkable" here... i am so glad PRIDE is over. good riddance. i dunno, i guess i have a warped view of this whole "gay pride" thing. Of course, I like the idea, in theory... but i am just not down with the parade, the floats, the drag queens, oui.
sacreligious, maybe, but i just don't see what the fuss is about. i just feel that if we as a society would like to view homosexuality as "normal," then perhaps we shouldn't have a parade? maybe i'm wrong... but maybe i'm right.
anyway, i guess i am a pretty conservative gay. i am a man who happens to like men, and that is how i see things. my good friend sarah always says, "the classy gays aren't hanging out at the gay bar, they are downtown mingling with the other 90% of the population." i feel very comfortable in this light. trust me, i have pissed off many a boyfriend with this mindset, but what can i say? it is just the way i feel. take it or leave it bitches! ;)
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waiting on a sunday to drown [Jun. 25th, 2008|01:09 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
well i know it's just a spring haze
but i don't much like the look of it...
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He's Gone [Jun. 10th, 2008|01:15 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
I've never been good with goodbyes. I've never been good about letting go. But this time I just let him fade away, and now he's gone. Now he is justan afterthought, like the familiar scent of perfume that hangs in the air, he lingers in my thoughts.
"In my memories of him, he is always lying next to me in the dark. It is his voice, and his touch that I can remember so vividly. I can't see his face anymore- just those intense eyes, studying me closely and cautiously, taking me in. So I will close my eyes and let him haunt me. I feel the rise and fall of his chest against my cheek as he strokes my hair and faintly sings old loves songs under his breath."

Blue moon, you saw me standing alone. Without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own...
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(no subject) [May. 27th, 2008|11:53 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
can anyone watch "philadelphia" without sobbing, you know with the snot and the weird high pitched sounds escaping your throat? from the opening credits with that melancholy song playing to the older brother collapsing onto tom hanks death bed in tears... damn that shit is the business right there.

my eyes are really cool looking when i cry. the bloodshot look really brings out a fiery blue in my pupil. just a side note there.
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the next step [May. 25th, 2008|12:26 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
i was sitting at the laundromat watching my boxers go 'round and 'round and i wondered to myself, what it is going to feel like when i am thousands of miles away from this chair, this city, this exact moment...
and then i realized, it is going to be great. chicago will be the next step.
so right now, it this exact moment, i am going to watch "sleepless in seattle," and enjoy the life i have made for myself in san diego.
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Psychoanalysis [May. 6th, 2008|01:28 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
September 6, 1991
Subject: Mychael M.
Age: 7
"When asked to draw a person, Mychael drew a boy first. Although the poorly drawn hands may indicate a feeling of inadequacy, the boy is climbing a hill and there are no distortion in the body image. Mychael draws his family in a playground. It is probably characteristic, considering the present state of affairs, that the Father and the step-mother are portrayed playing with the baby, his sister is going down the slide, while he himself is "far away." The house, tree, and person picture, shows an enormous house with tiny windows which looks more like a fortress, while he and his "friend," as well as the tree, are all practically invisible. Thus the drawing suggests that Mychael does not feel himself to be a meaningful member of the family and his father's home has been made inaccessible to him."
"Mychael is a bright boy, nearly at the age of 8, who has experienced a number of known and perhaps unknown traumatic events in his life. In view of the referral questions it is important to state that he is not psychotic, he is not hyper-active, that he doesn't show any unusual preoccupation with sexual matters, and he should not have any scholastic problems. What is necessary, therefore, is an careful evaluation of past events which must have contributed to his present confused nature, and his ambivalence, at least as reported by his parent, about his identification. He is definitely in need of some individual psychotherapy and possible future inclusion in group therapy, should there be a repeat of his alleged symptoms. There does not seem to be any counter indication at this time of Mychael being in a regular school. With psychotherapy and proper management he does not seem to be a danger to any other Children."
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2008|01:13 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
so i have decided that i no longer plan to go to chicago, or even go to school for that matter. all i want to do is lie in bed and watch law and order svu for the rest of my life. the end. ; )
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(no subject) [Mar. 18th, 2008|12:13 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
First of all let me just say that I left my heart back on Michigan Avenue somewhere. Chicago was incredible, almost more impressive than Manhattan, almost. But where the lights of time square were lacking in Chi, I didn't even care for time square anyway- too touristy, the culture in Chicago triumphed. This historical buildings, the Art Institute, the rivers running through the city, I fell in love. And I might be a little biased, as my school is smack dab in the middle of the South Loop, but I don't think there is anywhere I should be other than Chicago in this time of my life. Um, and the student housing, yeah, it is like high rise luxury apartment living- with a door man and all. I am leaving at the end of August. I just got a few loose ends to tie up in San Diego then I am out of here. I thought I would be scared, I thought I would be lonely, hell, I even thought I would get cold feet, but the only cold feet that I am going to have are when I am walking around State Parkway in the dead of winter. I will be like Felicity (Keri Russell) minus the perm, searching for love and meaning in the big city, walking the streets in slow motion to an instrumental version of a madonna song. Yes.
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(no subject) [Mar. 13th, 2008|11:51 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
tomorrow morning i am off to chicago. i don't think it has hit me yet. i have a bunch of cleaning and packing to do, so i'll be excited when i get on the plane.
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(no subject) [Mar. 13th, 2008|01:14 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
i am a law and order svu junkie.

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back peddling is fun [Mar. 6th, 2008|12:29 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
things are going great, everyday i am getting closer and closer to chicago. but here is my dilemma, all my life i have been notorious for making big plans- and keeping them at that, just big plans. i have always been a dreamer and i guess i feel comfortable living in the clouds rather than making it a reality. but as i move forward, this reality honestly scares the shit out of me. in two weeks i will be in chicago at my school's open house. it dawns on me this morning as i lay in bed trying to wake myself up from the myriad nightmares that kept me tossing and turning last night. that the world as i know it is going to change so drastically. the climate, the city, the people, my home, i am going to be so far away from all that i know. i am in shock. i am not overly happy about it and i am not utterly disturbed by it, i am just in shock. i feel like this fear i have is trying to prevent me from taking the steps i need to take in order to carry on with my dream. i am not a small town boy, i love the city- i want to travel, i want to see the world. i want to be able to compete with masses to get the career that i want. it is time for me to buck up and be a man. no more mommy (ha ha) and daddy safety net. i've got to be the best! i've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard. my time is now. thanks muse...
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You're just another love song part 4 [Jan. 6th, 2008|10:07 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
In times of conflict I usually find myself on the bathroom floor with a toothbrush down my throat. Tonight, as I pull the handle, flushing the toxins down to the pipes below, my frame shudders and I fall back against the plastic shower curtain. From here I can see my reflection starring back at me, my face slightly swollen, speckles of meals past on my chin, I smirk and say, "You did this." There is something so satisfying in doubling over with weakness, when I've pushed my body far beyond its natural capabilities and I surrender to the weight of gravity. It is in this moment that I feel most alive. I can feel every muscle in my body tensing under my skin, the pulse of my veins feverishly pumping blood to my heart, my throat opening and closing in time. "I did this." It is a control unlike any other, to retain power in a world where I am powerless, comes with it- a rush that can only be felt by the strength found in weakness.
By nature we are all weak, but strength can be exercised until it can dominate on command. When he calls me, I could hang up, but instead I answer without hesitation. I hear him speak to me and I can pretend that nothing has changed. Sifting through every adjective he delivers, I can find the answers I have been searching for these past couple of months. When he says, “Things have been really hectic,” I finish this statement by adding, ‘without you by my side.’ When he tells me, “I have been so busy lately,” I know that he means to say, ‘trying to find a way back into your life.’
We all have a degree of self-centeredness, but my levels of conceit fly far off the charts. I just have trouble deciding if everyone wants me or if everyone is just against me- but I do know, however, one thing to be true: that everyone specifically considers me before deciding what they plan to do with themselves. So I understand that when he does not call me, it is because he is too ashamed or afraid, but when he does in fact call, it is obvious that he can no longer take the lack of communication. Either way, it is a lonely world when you are so important that people just cannot be around you; for the myriad reason that seem to come to mind.
I am in a bar with my roommates when he decides he must hear my voice again. Finishing the last of my cocktail, I feel the persistent vibration of an incoming call against my thigh. My phone is flashing his name and I knock over Michele’s Pabst Blue Ribbon as I climb over her and out of the booth.
"Hello?” I am trying my damnedest to sound nonchalant and distracted. I promptly light a cigarette and examine the tip.
“Hey Myke.” He sounds surprised, or taken aback. I try to detect any background noise whatsoever to create an image in my mind. I hear a conversation in motion- a group of people walking by him on the street somewhere. I hear a car horn, the sound of glass breaking. I picture him shivering cold wearing a thin paisley sweater in a dark alley with a mangy cat sticking his head out of a trashcan and I snicker to myself. “Long time no talk, what are you up to?”
“Just having some drinks with my roommates,” I say as if I still don’t quite recognize who it is I am talking to. “What are you doing…?”
“Well, I was trying to meet up with some of my friends at this bar in Pacific Beach, but the lines are extraordinarily long and I doubt I’ll even make it in by two.” My head is heavy with an oncoming buzz, and I frown at his choice of words. “I took a taxi, so I am kind of stuck here. But you are busy so… never mind.”
I smile because I know he knows that I would drop these girls quicker than a bad habit for him, not my best quality I must say, but what can you do? The false apprehension in his voice is courteous and I choose to overlook the fact that, once again, I have become the “if nothing else works out…” guy. “I’m on my way,” I say as I slip into this role with the slightest of ease.
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2007|03:19 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
i hear his voice from across the hall, but i don't dare move. i just sit here in my little room and imagine him pacing around his space- his cage- his prison. the shackles are metaphorical, he can leave anytime he chooses- but it is this choice that keeps him restrained. it keeps him restless. keeps him hungry for more.
i choose freedom, but i don't dare move. i just sit here with the cell door open and imagine myself walking alone in the world- in the atmosphere- in the universe. my shackles are my fear, i can leave anytime i choose- but it is this choice that keeps me confined to this room. to the sound of his voice. to the hunger for more.
i hear his voice from across the hall, but i don't dare move. i don't want to be anywhere he is not. so i will keep stride with his pacing and dream of the day he will set me free. from his space- his cage- his prison.
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(no subject) [Aug. 16th, 2007|02:53 am]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
heart racing, my mind is awake- my body is asleep. what do you care? you are steps away in a peaceful slumber. i don't know what you are dreaming about, but i know it doesn't involve me. i haven't crossed your mind in a lifetime. as much as it hurts, i cannot cry. i dried my eyes long ago and can no longer let the rain fall. i long for those gray skies to come again.

and is your place in heaven worth giving up these kisses?
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l.a. to chicago to new york [Jul. 22nd, 2007|11:12 pm]
if truly his ♥ was made of icing...
there was something so familiar about new york- i found myself there in the city streets, in the subways- hell- i even found myself in brooklyn. it was as if i had been there many times before, in a dream maybe- running around with a new york post under my arm, waving down taxis, and picking fights with the twelve-year-old psuedo punk rockers. it is so uncanny, looking around i realized that this was my home. upon returning to the state of southern california (because really- it should be divided, shouldn't it?) i left a piece of myself back in manhattan. and i did it on purpose, be it in chelsea, soho, the lower east side- let it find its home. i will be back there soon enough to resume where we left off.
until then i am looking forward to my transition period. this chapter i will entitle, "the chi-town years." i found the perfect school to continue my education- right smack dab in the middle of chicago. i don't know what it is, the other parts of the country have been calling to me. i think i have had enough of southern california- and all the west coast for that matter. the world i currently live in is plastic- it is botox- it is collagen- it is a two-for-one breast augmentation/face lift special and i, for one, am bored with it. there must be something more to life then the undying quest fight the effects of gravity. right?
well... this is what happens when i let my little blue brain wonder- did i tell you i have a.d.d.? self diagnosed, but who would know better than i?
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